he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
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I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
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i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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