I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
