after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
