He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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