Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
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You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
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I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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