were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
