I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
if only i could text you this smell
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
