took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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