You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm really busy with my period
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