last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
