I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
