two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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