can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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