You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.