I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Pants 0. Shit 1.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.