your thong is hanging out like whoa
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
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I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
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If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?