why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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