my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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