fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
