dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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