dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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