none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I think my vagina is haunted
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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