No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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