the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
