I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
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i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
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Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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