just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
