Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
