goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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