Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
