We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
