Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
