my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
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