Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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