Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
