Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
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You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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