you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
