I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
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Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
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Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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