apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
