just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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