i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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