I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
