at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
