You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
