i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
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It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
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styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
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