Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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