Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom