I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn