i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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