I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."