the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
