Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
