My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
