So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
