im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
