Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
