Only a mothe r could love this liver
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
