woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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