i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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