standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
