you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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