I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
