i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
