I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
