The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
